Wasn't It Always Perfect?
by OriginalChocobo
Summary: Cloud can't help but relive the days that led up to this... A ClouTi that can be a bit depressing. Rated T for very slight innuendo.
1. Preface

**Disclaimer- I own nothing and nobody from FFVII.**

**(A/N) I figured you can't be an FFVII fanfic author without coining up a ClouTi so this is mine.**

**It will be multichaptered with very short chapters and if it means anything, I listened to With Rainy Eyes-Emancipator while writing it.**

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Preface

The sharp pin pricks of rain rhythmically tapped the freezing concrete in their subtle little lament as Cloud ignored the droplets harshly flicking his face. He observed her as she shoved the numerous suitcases into the open maw of the car trunk and hardly struggled doing so, not that he expected less of her. He found it increasingly difficult to keep his mako stare on the brunette as his own dark thoughts began pulling him back into their depths. Complying, Cloud released his grip on the fading focus that kept him in reality and couldn't help but give in to the half of himself he considered still human. Surprisingly, he didn't feel weak as his drowned emotions made a final attempt at forcing him to re-evaluate the days that led up to the present.

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**This is just the preface. I promise that the upcoming chapters will be a little longer.**

**I'm not even gonna ask reviews for this pathetic little paragraph :p**


	2. Day 1

**Disclaimer- I did not create nor do I own this magnificent game.**

**(A/N) Now we get to the real story. Let's just say it takes place after the events of Advent Children.**

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Day 1

Cloud drifted down the hallway, predictably lost in his thoughts as he allowed his gloved hand to graze the wall to his right. Stopping mid-step, Cloud turned slightly to face the frame that held the memories of AVALANCHE and leaned up against the wall opposite of it. Nostalgia flooded his senses every time he saw their blissfully exhausted expressions, seeing as how the picture was taken immediately after the defeat of Sephiroth. He almost smirked at how everybody seemed to be perfectly portrayed in the photo. How each tilt of the head, every grin or pout, every hand gesture gave a wordlessly accurate depiction of the individual.

Barret and Cid stood arm and arm with their weapons too close to one another's heads for comfort, clearly pasting on fake happiness for the camera to cover up the rivalry that was odd for the two terribly similar comrades. Cait Sith was happily shouting his megaphone in Red XIII's face whom was obviously trying not to crack his mature façade. Yuffie, holding up a peace sign, couldn't resist hopping on Vincent's back and latching herself onto him by wrapping her other arm around his neck. He just wore his usual exasperated expression, being the only one who had enough patience to refrain from strangling the ninja. And of course Tifa and he stood at the forefront. Her claret eyes seemed to sparkle with hope as she stuck by his side. He remembered being truly happy though he didn't show it. At that moment he was genuinely thankful that they made it through even though some were lost along the way…

Cloud's expression soured as the Cetra forcefully invaded his thoughts and rather ironically wreaked havoc in his mind with her benign gentleness. A familiar tapping on the hardwood pulled him from his sorrow though he wouldn't look up to meet the owner of the sound.

"Cloud?"

He gave no answer to the inquiring woman but instead looked back to the picture.

"Cloud…" she approached and let her chin rest on her hands which she had folded over on top of the shoulder that wasn't concealed by the pauldron, "Are you okay?"

The question rung in his head, echoing through his entire body. 'Are you okay?' It was a question she asked often but there was something in her tone that always unsettled him. It wasn't a question. It was a suggestion. She knew he wasn't okay but she wanted him to be and she didn't understand why he wasn't so she always strove to change that. The hint of whatever it was that laced her voice, made his chest ache with emptiness, so he would lie every time.

"I'm fine, Tifa," he assured, "Everything's fine."

"If you say so…"

He decided to stop meeting her stare years ago because every time he did, he saw her comprehending his farce in her melancholy pools of crimson. It deeply upset them both that of all people to lie to, it would be her; the one who never left him through thick and thin.

"Dinner's ready…" she trailed off.

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**Reviews are appreciated.**


	3. Day 2

**Disclaimer- I have no affiliation with the creation of the characters or plot involved in FFVII.**

**(A/N) Sorry this update took so long but I'm working on 3 fics simultaneously, one being a long adventure. I'm starting to think that I bit off more than I can chew. Anyway, here's chapter 3.**

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Day 2

"Alright, alright. I'll go get him," Tifa smiled as Marlene jumped on her back and giggled, tugging at the ribbon tied around her arm. She crouched, allowing the girl to hop off and scurry to her front.

"Go get your pajamas on and we'll be there tuck you in, okay?" she touched the girl on the nose, earning a nod before she turned and scampered to her bedroom.

"Oh," Tifa perked up, "and Marley?"

"Yeah?" the girl paused and turned curiously.

"Tell Denzel to get ready for bed too," she finished with a worried smile. Denzel always seemed to have his nose in the books lately and hardly came from out of his room, much to Tifa's dismay, so she tried all she could to get him out of the house. The last thing she wanted was for him to become reclusive.

"Okay," Marlene nodded and advanced down the hall, her hair unrestricted by its usual braid and flowing freely.

She turned to rap quietly on the door and whispered, "Cloud?"

"Come in," was her muffled response. She slowly turned the knob and stepped inside, catching sight of the man who sat on the edge of the bed. One of his knees was slightly more propped up in contrast to the other and his eyes were focused intently on the weapon that lay on it as he polished its blade.

"The kids are going to bed and Marlene wants you to tuck her in," she walked over to his side watching him focus on shining the metal in a long silence.

"Don't you," she paused for a second to look at his determined eyes, "ever get tired of polishing that sword?"

"No. I guess not," he answered quietly.

"You never use it," she pointed out.

"Some things just need to be preserved," he averted his gaze from her.

"But if they're only a burden, why keep them?" she whispered, sensing that the conversation wasn't just about the sword anymore.

"Anything that deserves preservation isn't a burden…"

Tifa's eyes lowered a bit as she turned and left the room without another word. It wouldn't accomplish anything anyway. She would just tuck Marlene in herself tonight.

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**Reviews are appreciated.**


	4. Day 3

**Disclaimer- I own nothing and nobody from the FFVII franchise.**

**(A/N) A shorter chapter from Tifa's perspective. I'm not too sure if I captured how she really feels in this one so let me know if you think differently on how I portrayed her.**

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Day 3

Tifa remained silent and nearly completely motionless as she absentmindedly traced intricate patterns along the blonde's bare skin with an unmatched sensitivity. She didn't want to wake him from his slumber, which had grown much lighter over time from all of the nightmares. She thought they would cease after the Geostigma cleared but alas, here she was, hair sprawled out over the pillow and hoping he wouldn't wake up screaming again. She tried to exude some peace through her fingers and soothe him as she felt his body slightly rise and fall with steady breathing.

_Cloud…_

If only he knew how much his suffering hurt her. If only he knew how much it killed her when he would snap from his sleep, sweating and panting and pushing her help away as he insisted he had to deal with his own problems. This was the only way she could convince herself that she was there for something, running her fingers down his back and attempting to absorb his troubles while he caught a moment's rest from the painful dreams.

But even through the hell they caused him, Cloud refused to let them go. He viewed them as atonement for not being able to save the ones that meant most to him. Zack and Aeris.

Tifa slowly blinked, feeling a warm tear trail down her face and dampen the pillow as she wondered how he would feel if she ever passed on. Would he carry the shadow of her memory with him as well? She told herself that he would but a small voice in the back of her head whispered that the thought was a fabrication. Maybe he wouldn't… He had already chosen them over her, even while she was still here by his side.

The brunette bit her lip as her burgundy eyes filled with sorrow. Why wasn't she enough for him? Why couldn't he let go?

Tifa suddenly found herself hoping her light touch would scar him, their marks delicately balanced on the edge of affection and agony. At least she would own a part of him if he didn't want her. She pressed her forehead to his back and let another silent tear escape.

_Cloud…_

He was the only person that could make her wish she was the flower girl that had already become one with the Lifestream. Not because she died an honorable death. Not because she was strong as well as beautiful and kind. But because Tifa wanted to be at the forefront of his mind. Even if it were for the purpose of brooding, she wanted him to think of her from time to time.

But that was a selfish request. She closed her eyes and stopped moving her fingers as the pointless tears ceased to fall anymore.

It was unrealistic too.

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**Reviews would be great as always.**


	5. Day 4

**Disclaimer- I own nothing and nobody from FFVII.**

**(A/N) This chapter's a bit longer than the others but for some reason, it still feels... rushed to me? If you think it is,let me know and I'll do my best to revise that. If not, I guess I'm just being paranoid.**

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Day 4

Cloud breathed in the air of the distantly familiar church and fixed his empty gaze to the copious amount of flowers underneath him that swayed lightly. He ran his fingertips among their pastel petals and sighed at how lifeless they seemed. The garden remained in full bloom consistently but despite their unwavering ability to blossom, the hues of the flowerbed seemed to dull with each year, slowly but surely being forgotten. Just like her.

Cloud's eyes lowered a little as he recalled her obscure features, the only prominent detail being her piercing emerald pools that seemed to hold the very Lifestream within their depths. Was he forgetting her too?

_"I never blamed you… not once,"_ her voice was but a memento he refused to relinquish in the back of his mind as he remembered the words she said years ago.

He hadn't understood the meaning of sacrifice then. He didn't know what it meant to truly lose something that you cared for so much that it hurt. Was it an equal trade-off? The defeat of Sephiroth for the SOLDIER who'd become his best friend as well as an idol. The cure of Geostigma for the Cetra who meant more to him than he ever could have anticipated. He wondered… was he still a hero? A gentle breeze brushed the flowers against his feet as he hoped for a response.

"So… am I forgiven?" he whispered.

Cloud felt a low hum in his pocket, his features unflinching at the drone. He flipped his PHS open, examining the small flashing icon that read 'Tifa'. It gave another understated buzz before he hesitantly closed it and placed it back in his pocket, continuing to stare at the pale flowers that surrounded him and find a somewhat tranquil despondency in the now muted church.

_"Go."_

Cloud's eyes snapped open as he jolted upward to the docile tone.

"Aeris?" his voice echoed throughout the church and was met with nothing but the soft rustle of the plants beneath him. He nodded in comprehension and stepped from the flowerbed without a backward glance.

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Cloud slowly opened the door to 7th Heaven, only hearing the sound of clanking glass in the dim bar. The brunette was running a rag over numerous dishes and setting them down somewhat harshly.

"So you're home," she stated quietly without looking up from the silverware. He could tell something was wrong. She was more short than usual.

"Tifa?"

She looked up to see his face, confusion playing over his features, and set the glass she was drying down on the counter.

"You're upset…" he concluded out loud as he caught the distress in her claret eyes.

"You get straight to the point," she replied curtly.

"What's wrong?" his eyebrows knitted together as he realized how few times he'd seen her like this.

"Nothing. I'm fine," she answered bluntly before putting down the final dish and focusing on him.

"What's going on?" Cloud approached her.

"Have you talked to Denzel today?"

"What's wrong with Denzel?" he felt oddly unsettled.

"I don't suppose you remembered his kickboxing finals," Tifa managed to keep her tone steady, "Where were you?"

"I was…" he trailed off, reluctant to tell her and slightly annoyed that he was being admonished like a child.

"You were at the church," she finished, sorrow filling her crimson discs.

He confirmed her statement with silence.

"Why?" her voice wavered.

"You knew I would be there today," he took his eyes off of her.

"I know," she whispered, "that today was the anniversary of her death… but Denzel. He needed you there."

Cloud looked down to his feet.

"Why can't you look at me?" she shouted suddenly, "Say something!"

He looked back into her eyes with a growing irritation.

"What do you want me to say, Tifa?" anger revealed itself in his question.

"I want you to say you'll be there for us! We're still here, Cloud. We're waiting for you to let go!" she yelled, "You carry their shadows with you and live as if you're dead yourself."

"I have to!" he raised his voice, "If I don't, nobody will remember their sacrifice. Nobody cares anymore!"

"We'll always remember," her tone became unsteady as tears filled her eyes to the brim, "and we can't laugh like its nothing anymore but we refuse to lose to a memory…"

Cloud drew back from the statement, a sickening hurt crawling up his spine.

"You promised you'd be there for me if I was ever in a bind. But even now…" she trailed off dismally.

"I…" he struggled to find words as he stared into her dejected garnet orbs, weak and open and vulnerable as the tears rolled down her face. He turned his back and ran out of the bar.

Tifa fell to her knees on the hard floor and brought her hands to her face, bawling and finding it nearly impossible to breathe for the tension of the empty room took the ability far away from her.

"Tifa?" a timid voice broke the woman from her sobs as she took her face from her palms and looked up. She saw the little girl gripping the doorframe with trepidation showing in her expression as her dark eyes began to tear up as well. She must have seen the whole thing.

"Marlene…" Tifa reached out to the girl who pulled away from her apprehensively and scurried back up the stairs.

"Marlene…" she whispered and began to sob uncontrollably again.

_I'm sorry._

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**Words of advice or encouragement for a review addict?**


	6. Day 5

**Disclaimer- Sadly, I had nothing to do with the creation of FFVII or its characters.**

**(A/N) A shorter chapter, also from Tifa's perspective, focusing on reflection. I always have such a hard time conveying her emotions.**

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Day 5

She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe it had finally come to this.

Tifa sat on the edge of the mattress and lowered her head, staring at the photo placed on her lap with disconsolate eyes. Everything was so wonderful then. Tifa had found herself as the proud mother, if not through natural circumstances, of two beautiful children. She still kept the friends that fought with her through unbearable odds. She lived happily with Cloud, who wasn't in love with her. But she could learn to get over that, she told herself. They would make this family work if they managed to handle whatever life threw at them.

Maybe…

She ran her thumb along the picture's edges, seeing a drop tarnish the image of Cloud's rare smile as he held Marlene and Denzel close.

Maybe it wasn't so unbelievable that it had come to this. Maybe, she just hadn't expected herself to make this decision. Her eyes burned with tears, never blinking as she refused to tear her gaze from the smudged photograph. Look at her. She smiled to herself, full of cynicism. She wasn't any better than he was. After all, she sat here clutching at the sheets and crying over a memory that, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself, wasn't going to come back.

Somehow, she never pictured herself like this. She must have been a fool to believe everything would fix itself with the embrace of time. Marlene and Denzel, with their biological parents completely out of the picture, would grow up with no difficulties or inconveniences. Her comrades would always be there for her and come to every gathering, putting all of their personal problems aside for the sake of being reunited. It wasn't as if Cid had a wife to deal with. It wasn't like Yuffie had a country to rule. Cloud would eventually grow out of his self-loathing for the deaths he felt responsible for. He would forget about Zack and Aeris to raise a family and maybe, with time, he would even fall for her.

_How foolish…_

She bit her lip to tried and fight the sob arising in her throat.

_How selfish…_

Tifa shook her head and flipped the picture over in her hands. Raising her stare to the ceiling, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

This was what was best for everyone.

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**Next chapter will be the last for this fanfic, unfortunately for me. **

**Reviews would be nice.**


	7. Day 6

**Disclaimer- I clearly own nothing from FFVII, you realize.**

**(A/N) You know, I think I might end up making more ClouTi's because I thoroughly enjoyed writing this but I suppose all good things must come to an end. The dramatic (not really) conclusion of Wasn't It Always Perfect?**

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Day 6

Cloud snapped his head back up at the thud of the car trunk that reached his ears. He was met with the sight of Tifa swinging her arms as she heaved a sigh and looked up to the gray sky, ensconced in a thin layer of fog as the rain continued to fall. His eyes lowered as he glanced to the car, seeing Denzel sit expressionless in the back and Marlene wipe her eyes, staring back at him with an unmatched grief in her chocolate orbs.

"Cloud."

He looked back to Tifa and uncrossed his arms, walking out to meet her in the downpour.

"Well," she giggled in a broken tone, "this is it."

Cloud nodded as he sensed the heartbreak in her gentle smile and the sorrow she tried to mask in her eyes, the silence only being cracked by the patter of water on the hard street.

"Where will you go?" he asked.

"Back to Nibelheim, I suppose," she breathed.

"I see," he was barely audible.

"You know, the kids would love for you to visit sometime," she smiled halfheartedly again.

"Of course…"

Tifa let a long reticence drag before she raised her hand to his face and brushed a raindrop from his cheek. Her fingers ran across his jaw line and down to his chin as she found it impossible to cry anymore. No more tears were left to shed. She wanted him to try and stop her; to do everything in his power to convince her to stay. But, at this point, she would stand firm by her decision no matter what he did and that fact was obviously clear to him. She hated how rational he could be sometimes.

"Tifa," he raised his gloved hand to the bare one that rested on his face and grazed her palm with his thumb, "I'm sorry…"

Her eyes widened and her breath hitched as the words left his mouth.

"Cloud?" she stifled.

"I'm sorry that it had to be this way," he whispered.

"Me too…" she trailed off, staring into his soft azure discs. The brunette pressed her forehead lightly to his, knowing that affection was the farthest thing from his forte and closed her eyes, indulging in the rare moment where her actions penetrated his barrier of neutrality.

"Goodbye Cloud," her voice was brittle and sad and entirely opposite of the Tifa he knew. As he released her hand and watched her make her way back to the car, he finally began to realize the mistakes he made over the past few days. He even started to see the faults he made over the past few years. It wasn't fate, nor life, nor the misfortune that seemed to hang over his shoulders no matter how many times he had tried to be positive, that had driven Tifa away. He realized, in a brief yet all the same agonizingly bitter epiphany, that it was him. And the revelation had come too late, mocking Cloud in a sarcastic laugh that he couldn't complain about because he had realized it after all. He watched her close the car door behind her and attempt to soothe Marlene, whose crying had intensified and glimpsed back to Denzel, whose empty gaze was consistently focused on the flood streaming down the windshield.

All the same, he was a realist and knew that he wasn't fit to care for a family, so at the very least he would end the suffering Tifa had endured alongside him and then some. It could never atone for what he had done, but for now he chose to let them go in an attempt to finally live the closest they could come to a normal life. But even the best intentions couldn't sate the ache he felt at not being able to be stronger and how they already looked like such a complete family without him in that car.

Tifa sat back in her seat and took what seemed like a deep breath as she started the vehicle, its rumble shattering the dead air. Cloud nodded, for the lack of a more thoughtful action, as she waved to him before revealing another weak smile and driving off without looking back.

So here he stood, soaked in the freezing rain, staring at an empty street and reminiscing on when things used to be much simpler with a life that wasn't ordinary. But he couldn't help but wonder if it was ever that perfect…

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**Is it weird to say that I'm happy if you cried?**

**Anyway, I want to say thank you to Luxuria De'Voire for keeping me motivated. Your reviews flatter me as always, to the point where I actually squeal sometimes. Embarrassing I know...**

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